Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
