I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
