We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
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It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
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If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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