All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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