Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
