I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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