even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
