GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
