hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We need to rekindle our bromance
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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