The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
time to smoke my breakfast
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can't put those talents on a resume
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
