I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
