Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
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