I am full of burrito and curiosity
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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