and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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