put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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