How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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