I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
BRING THE BAGELS
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
