We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
