I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
