He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
