When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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