Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
