I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
