I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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