I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
