Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
