the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
