Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
After tacos, we're chasing women.