Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think i peed on brittanys purse
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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