just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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