two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
