Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so let's talk penis.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
