I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
