I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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