Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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