life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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