Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
pray to the hookup gods
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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