dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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