You're completely useless in the revolution.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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