can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Is Oprah even human
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
