id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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