Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
His hands were made for my vagina.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
