My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
