I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
the condom got lost in my hair
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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