apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This house was built for laser tag.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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