Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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