This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
