just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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