I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
