final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
