Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
