I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
