I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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