dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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