Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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